Have you ever wondered about that Environmental Studies major who constantly seems way too relaxed? This species of male is known as the Stoner and he is our subject this week. Although he probably won’t be very successful in the future, he is very fun in the short term. Study his behavior to learn how the stoner can become yours.

Natural Habitat: The stoner can often be seen on the quad with friends playing a rousing game of hacky sack. This ritualistic game involves a group of people standing in a circle passing a bag around without using their hands. Stoners can play this for hours. When they stop playing to go to class, they typically arrive late and in a cloud of smoke.

Appearance: The stoner has a very distinct way of dressing. He can usually be found wearing a tie-dye t-shirt, cargo shorts and Vans or Chuck Taylors on his feet (which, as it happens, are very good for playing hacky sack). His hair is sometimes worn in dreadlocks, showing a lack of concern for hygiene.

Character Traits: As a symptom of the stoner’s favorite hobby, he usually loves to laugh. He takes delight in the simplest of things, from a Cartoon Network show to his own hand. He is also very resourceful, able to fashion a bong out of almost any everyday object. Unfortunately, his habit can often cause him to be unmotivated in all other aspects of life. Rather than go to class or do work, many stoners prefer to stay in their basements and smoke.

Prey: When looking for a mate, the stoner typically looks for someone of his kind. He wants an attractive female who can “rip the bong” and is ready to fornicate soon after. He doesn’t want a high-maintenance female; he doesn’t have the motivation to keep her happy.

How to Capture the Stoner: Put simply, you can seduce the stoner with a party size bag of Cheetos and a gallon of Hawaiian Punch. He will see the food and immediately flock to you. As stated earlier, it also helps if you share his interests. He is always looking a new smoking buddy so that is the best way to infiltrate his life.